Playing Almost 30: Fake it Till You Make It
I turn 30 in a few months and if I am being honest, being almost 30 is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Like a whole lot.
And its not that I don't want to be 30, or I think its old. In fact, I kind of would rather be 30. Sounds manly. Refined.
The thing is, I thought by now living as an almost 30 year old would be habit, something I didn't really have to think about, I just did. I would save money and only go out one night a weekend and have an old almost 30 year old appropriate relationship. My house would always be clean and I would always fill my gas tank up when I stopped to get gas, not put in $10 because I don't have the attention span to wait 4 minutes. I though I would feel like an adult, and I don't.
And I think thats the biggest thing, what rattles me the most. I just do not feel like an adult, I still feel like a kid, and no matter how serious I pretend to be or how late I make myself work, it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel almost 30.
But, after a lot thinking, and then some self pity, followed by anger at the self pity, I finally got to the point of having a little serious thought. I think I have the answer.
Its okay to just act like an adult. Its okay to pretend. Not feeling like an almost 30 year old isn't the problem. The problem comes if I don't even try to sometimes act like one.
If I work late and feel like I am just playing adult, thats fine. I worked late. I did it. I did an adult thing. If I force myself to have the patience to fill up my gas tank, thinking the entire time that the only reason I am doing it is because I am trying to feel like an adult, thats not a problem. Either way, faking it or actually doing it because I feel like doing the adult thing, my gas tank is full. I made it the 4 minutes.
I am thinking that maybe its not about naturally making right decisions; its about simply making the right decisions. And, just like the wrong decisions become habits if we practice them long enough, so do the good. And, maybe, that what being an almost 30 year old is about. Forcing some new good habits.
Or maybe I am just writing this to try and feel like an adult. Either way, I am glad I did.